Trust - part II

In Matthew 14:22-33 we again find the disciples in a boat with the wind and waves coming against them.  Jesus sent them on ahead while He takes some time to pray. When they are quite a distance off shore, Jesus comes to them walking on the water! Jesus is not sleeping through the storm this time- He is walking above it. When the disciples see him they are terrified. “Take courage!  It is I.” Jesus assures them,  “Don’t be afraid”

They had seen Him calm the storm before with just a command from His voice and their faith had increased.  Now their faith is being challenged again and Peter is ready – ready for crazy water walking faith and so he calls out “If it is you Lord, command me to come to you on the water.”  Jesus calls him, “Come.”

Have you heard Him call, “Come”?

Come step out in faith to do what I’ve called you to do.

Come push out into the deep waters where your faith will be tested and purified like gold. 
Come believe that I can heal cancer.

Come walk with me above the waves, above your circumstances. 

Come even though fear and doubt are trying to pull you under.

Come keep your eyes on me; I’ve called you here so your faith can grow.

Peter gets out of the boat and begins walking on the water to Jesus. But then he begins to look at the wind whipping around and becomes frightened. He starts to sink and cries out “Lord, save me!”  Jesus immediately reaches out his hand and catches him. “You of little faith,” he said, “Why did you doubt?” Then they climb into the boat, and the wind dies down.  The disciples finally get it “Truly you are the Son of God.”

There are seasons when it is easy sailing; the sea is calm, the sun is shining.  But there are also times when we are called out into the deep, into uncharted, turbulent waters.  This is where we would never choose to go on our own, but when He leads us, how can we say no?  He will be with us there and our faith will be strengthened. We may even find ourselves doing some crazy water walking! We will see His greatness and like the disciples we will be able to say without a doubt  “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Trust - part I

Does God care about your situation and mine? 

Does it sometimes seem that He is sleeping thru the worst storms in your life?

The disciples may have thought so. Mark 4:35-41 recounts the story of a test of their faith. After a long day of teaching on the shore of Galilee, Jesus says to the disciples “Let us go across to the other side.” So they take their boat and head out. While crossing to the other side, a windstorm comes that threatens to do them in.  The disciples become frantic, expecting the worse. Jesus however is asleep. They wake him up. “Teacher don’t you care that we are perishing?” 

Did Jesus know there would be a storm before He got into the boat?  If he knew, why did he suggest they go out, and why did He let himself fall asleep?  Didn’t he know the disciples would need him?  Was this all just to show them who He really was?

Jesus wakes up and rebukes them.  “Why are you so afraid?  Have you still no faith?” They had seen Him do miracles for others, but now they needed a miracle themselves.

Did they still not really know who He was?

Is this really an issue of trust? Am I, like the disciples, quick to assume the worst will happen when a storm comes?  Do I frantically try to bail the water out of my sinking ship myself?  Or do I put my total trust in Him even though the waves continue to batter and toss my boat? Do I stop worrying and quiet my soul long enough to hear Him say “Come rest here in my arms, I’ve got this under control.”

Do I take refuge in His arms and know that He has everything under control?

Do I recognize who He really is?

“Peace!  Be Still!  He spoke to the storm. The wind ceased and there was great calm.

The disciples marveled “Who is this that even the wind and sea obey Him?”

Who is Jesus? He is the one who spoke the wind and the sea into existence-the one who holds this whole world together-the one that storms obey. 

“Peace!  Be Still!”  He says to my anxious heart.

He spoke it to me when I found out I had ovarian cancer.

He speaks it to me still.

“You are not alone. I care. I am with you always.”

You are His child.  Trust Him. Let Him hold you in His arms and speak peace to the raging storm around you and peace to the raging storm within you. He will get you safely to the other side.

The Gift of Time

Why am I always in such a hurry? What is the gain? God is infinite and we stand on the brink of eternity.  There is time for rest, for joy, for fellowship, for love, for reading, walking and creating.  It is up to me.   I can choose my pace or God’s pace.  God is never in a hurry.  A thousand years are as a day to Him.  He waits patiently for all of us to repent.  He waits patiently for me to realize and understand that life is more than doing- it is being.  Life is more than accomplishments.  It is more about how we do a thing, than what we do.

When we are in pain, or going through a trial we wish time would pass quickly.
When everything is good, we wish that time would stand still.

Those of us that have experienced a hard winter can’t wait for spring.  This has been a long, hard winter outside my window and inside my heart.  I yearn for warmer days and look forward to the sweet smelling blossoms spring will bring.  I eagerly await the day when there are no more treatments or doctors appointments.  Those days will come. In the meantime I choose: to take time to marvel at the sparkling silver-white blanket covering the ground, to sing with the fat red cardinal perched in my crabapple, to raise hands in praise with the black oaks under the heavy winter sky. I want to appreciate the time I have to hear God reveal more of His truth as I sit quietly in His presence.  New life will come. The grass will again be green, the oaks will praise with covered leaves, and I will sing a new song of gratitude for the time God has given me.

 None of us knows how much time we have on this earth, so we need to make the most of each day.  Not doing more, being more.  More like Jesus who no matter where He was, or what He was doing; took time to hold the children, took time to pray for the sick, took time to share about the Father.  He did not mind the interruptions, for He new they were divine.  In His short 33 years on earth He accomplished exactly what He was sent to do.
God has given me all the time I need to accomplish His will too.

…for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.  Song of Solomon 2:11-13(ESV)

Beautiful Hands

The day my mother went home to be with Jesus was a day I will never forget.  Still etched upon my mind as her body lay in the bed for us all to visit one last time, I noticed her hands.  “Look how beautiful her hands are,” I remember telling my sister.  I remember my gaze being fixed on them.  It was as if they were speaking to me kindness, gentleness, and goodness and love.

These were not the hands I remember my mother having as we were growing up.  Her hands were cracked from hard work.  Her nails never polished.  I don’t think she ever had a manicure in her life.  Often they were stained from some project she had us doing to keep us busy like making Ukrainian Eggs.  I remember my mom most with her hands covered in dirt for she loved to garden.   She was either planting seeds or tending the plants that were growing up.  The seeds she planted were not just in the soil of the earth, but also in the soil of her children, which were 7, plus all the other children who she did seed planting in with Girl Scouts, CCD and Junior Garden Club (just to name a few). Her hands were dried and cracked from the long hours spent washing dishes and watering the seeds she had planted in our hearts.  I can still see her nails with dirt under them from the constant weeding she did in her flower gardens and in our hearts. Her rough hands nourished our bodies with good food to eat and took care of us when we were sick. 

As she knelt by our beds when we were young, her folded hands taught ours to pray to a loving God.

But now her hands were at rest just as her soul was.  She had used her hands for good.  Martha seemed the perfect name for my mother who always was busy serving someone.

Another pair of hands that were just as beautiful were those I saw during my recovery from surgery.  They were the hands of His body.  The body of Christ in action, the way God designed it to be. Carrying one another’s burden-lifting each other up in prayer - serving selflessly.  These I saw as the body of Christ expressed its heart of love for my family and me.

Hands of little girls who drew me get well pictures

Hands that penned sweet words of encouragement

Hands that folded and lifted us up in prayer

Hands that prepare and carried nourishing meals to our family

Hands that brought gifts to cheer

Hands that took on dirt to weed my gardens

Hands that wrote checks to help with the medical bills

Hands that took on grime to clean my house and do my laundry

Hands that took care of my physical needs

Hands that were laid on me with healing prayers

Hands that held mine and walked with me every step of the way

And of course the most beautiful hands of all.

Hands that catch me when I fall

Hands that pick me up again and dust me off

Hands that point the right direction when I don’t know which way to go

Hands that nudge me forward when I am afraid to take the first step

Hands reaching out touching me with healing, comforting my soul

Hands that hold up the whole world and everything in it

Hands that wrote the truth

Hands that fed the multitudes

Hands that cleansed the leapers

Hands that broke bread and washed feet

Hands that took up a gnarled cross and carried it to Calvary

Hands that took the nails for me

Hands that reach out still to each of us

Lord, give us your heart of love and let our hands become your hands to minister to those in need.

A Blessing in Disguise

Only a week had passed since I had been released from the hospital, but here I was sitting in that cold examination room hearing the doctor tell me that in 4 days I was to go back to the hospital and get a port put in so that I could begin the chemo treatments.

Start the chemo? How can I possibly do that- my body is so weak I can barely even walk? The doctor examined the incision I had received two weeks earlier to get to the cancer that was slowing eating away at my body.  “The incision looks good,” he said. It did. I was amazed at how quickly that had healed up, but what about all the incisions inside of me?  They still felt raw and hurting, even the slightest move hurt. He continued the exam and I showed him a few red spots that had appeared a day earlier on the top of my leg.  “Hmmm looks like it may be shingles,” he said.  Then without missing a beat, he left me with instruction to call the hospital to set up my appointment for Friday to get the port.

I couldn’t take it in.  Get chemo already, in this condition!  It was like asking a mortally wounded soldier to go back up to the front line.  I wasn’t ready for my body to get knocked down again. What was the doctor thinking, and what on earth are shingles?

The rash got progressively worse so I went back to see the doctor.  “Yes, it’s shingles.” He said “ Unfortunately we will need to wait until it clears up to get the port.”

If you’ve had shingles, you know the agony. You also know there’s not a lot you can do to get rid of them. Just try to endure until they’ve run their course.

At first I didn’t see it- what God was up to.

Was I cursed?  Cancer, and now shingles!

Wasn’t one hard blow enough- did I really two?

“Maybe this is a blessing in disguise,” my friend Linda who had similar surgery said as she made plans to bring us several meals.  The pain, the burning, a blessing?  Really?  As I lay in my bed thinking, it took awhile, but I realized she was right.  I was much too weak and broken to start chemo.  I’m sure that God could of used other things to delay the start of chemo. But if there weren’t some compelling reason, the doctor would have gone along with his plans to get the port in and begin no matter how bad I felt. 

 The port wouldn’t go in for another two weeks, and the chemo wouldn’t start for 11 days after that.  By that time my shuffle had turned into a slow walk.  I was able to sit for more than a half hour at a time and I could turn in bed from one side to another without assistance.  I was far from being back to normal, but compared to a month earlier I was doing fine. The shingles were no fun, but they allowed me time to rest and recover.

A bloody broken body hung in the public square.

At first they didn’t see it- what God was up to.

Was He cursed?

After 40 lashes – did they need to crucify Him too?

 It took awhile, but a few days later they would understand.  

This was a blessing in disguise.

 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”— so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith. Galatians 3:13-15 (ESV)

What did I learn?  To be thankful in all things, even shingles. That our times our in His hands.

He is watching over every part of our lives (the very hairs on our heads are numbered).

Unexpected, unwanted things may not be the curse that they first seem to be. 

Look closer, and wait- they may just be a blessing in disguise!

  

Nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted

The worship team plays that song again. The one that makes my hands fly up in surrender as the tears fall over my cheeks. The sanctuary is dim, the tissues come out and the wiping begins.  Only my dear Phil standing next to me, and God see the release.  The tears are for me and for Him.  For my cleansing and His glory.

You raised the dead to life.  You’ve done the same for me Jesus
You are loving, You are wise.  There is nothing in my life that You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise.  There is nothing too hard for our God.

I am singing with my lips but the sound doesn’t surface – there is too much emotion inside stifling it, and all that is bottled up comes bursting out as tears.
You have gotten me through this Lord.  I am alive and so grateful.
Cancer is no big deal to you - you raise the dead.
My body is still weak, but you can revive it.  You can make me whole again.

They are singing the chorus now.

Nothing is wasted  
You work all things for good

The presence of the Lord hits me harder now as the song gives answer to the question I had been asking over and over.  What is all this for?  I know there must be a reason for this trial I am going through.

Nothing is wasted  
You work all things for good

Repeatedly the answer comes.  God is not wasteful. He uses everything.   He will use this for good.  As I lift my hands in surrender, I give him everything.  All the pain, the hurt, the tears, the emotions, and say “Take it Lord.  Make something beautiful.”

My dear friend, what is the fiery trial or dark valley you are walking thru this day?  Give it to God.  Let it become seed in His hand that He can plant it in the rich soil of His love and mercy.  Watch expectantly as He nurtures and waters it.  That seed will yield a plentiful harvest that will bless others and you.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

I have seen the seed begin to grow.  He has used it all.  Nothing is wasted.

"Nothing is Wasted" by Elevation Worship

Fresh Grace

Fresh Grace

In June 2012 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I don’t tell you this so that you will feel sorry for me or even so that you will offer up prayers on my behalf (although prayers would be welcome and appreciated).  I tell you to let you know how this blog and future writing came about.  Going through surgery and chemotherapy was the closest I ever got to a  “valley of the shadow of death” experience that the psalmist alludes to in Psalm 23.  This fiery trial that I had to go through, although not pleasant or easy, has given me new eyes and a fresh vision.  Truly it has been a gift that has given me a greater and fresh revelation of God’s mercy and grace. 

Mercy

During this difficult time, while taking the bible study “Missing Pieces” by Jennifer Rothschild, I came to realize that I not only deserved cancer and sickness but death and separation from God. I deserved it because I am a sinner. The bible says the wages of sin is death and I, like every human, am a sinner so I deserved death.  But I did not receive death; instead I received God’s mercy. The definition of mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. In other words, not getting what we deserve. The only one who could enforce this death sentence, was also the only one who could who could absolve me. God the father was able to forgive me and cancel my death sentence because Jesus paid the price for my sin.  Jesus took my sins upon His body and paid my sin debt with His precious blood on the cross of Calvary.  He took my punishment and in exchange gave me eternal life with Him.

Grace

Thank God that I did not get what I deserved but not only that, I got what I didn’t deserve. Grace is defined as the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.  James 1:17 says "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." The beautiful world all around us, the tender love of family and friends, the delicious food we eat, the warm cozy home we live in, are all manifestation of God’s amazing grace. Grace is being treated to God’s best even though we did nothing to deserve it.

Several years before I found out I had cancer, God was telling me to write down things I was thankful for.  I was not a good listener and started a list, but soon got busy and quit. He also was urging me to read “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp which I highly recommend, but I put off reading until recently. I am on my way to listing my thousand and more gifts, but more than that, I am seeing everything with fresh eyes.  Like the song says “I was blind but now I see.” God’s grace and mercy had always been with me but I didn’t always see them. Now I see everything as coming from the Father’s hand.  Trials, joys, laughter, contentment, struggles, harmony - these are all gifts of grace.

Sometimes it takes the long, dark, bleak night to truly appreciate the bright new dawn.